Is It Polite To Invite Guests to Just The Ceremony?

One of the topics that frequently come up when planning a wedding is whether or not it is rude to invite guests to the ceremony only and not the reception. One of the main reasons for this is that the bride and groom are trying to keep the cost of the reception down. Whilst the need to wanting to save money is understandable, inviting guests to ‘only’ the ceremony is considered rude and should be avoided if possible.

The guest will undoubtedly end up feeling like a second-rate guest who is not important enough to be included in the celebrations. Ill-feelings are also bound to eventuate if the guest feels obliged to buy a gift and may end up feeling that this was the only reason that they were invited.

Consider having a smaller guest list, having an off-peak wedding, or a midday wedding as opposed to an evening one to keep costs down without excluding anyone from the reception.

It’s important to note that if the ceremony itself is going to be held in a location that only holds a limited amount of people, such as the bridal party and immediate family, then it is okay to invite guests just to the reception and not the ceremony.

If you are keen to limit the number of guests to your reception by having some people attend the ceremony only, one approach, to minimize potential hurt feelings, is to hold an ‘official reception’ and an additional ’post-reception function’ for close family and friends.

The way it works is that after the ceremony a reception is held with perhaps appetizers, cake and champagne. This could last for 2-3 hours and can take place at the church’s hall, a nice park, or a nearby venue. After this ‘official reception’ ends, the bride and groom can hold a dinner for immediate family members and the bridal party at another reception venue. This approach really only works if you have a lunchtime ceremony and follow through immediately with the official reception. The family dinner can then be later in the evening after an hour or so. Do be aware however that you still may end up hurting feelings this way, but if you keep referring to it as a family dinner then it should be minimized.

Who pays for the bridesmaids gown?

After the initial excitement of being asked to be bridesmaid is over, then comes the inevitable question, do I need to pay for my own bridesmaid gown? The general answer is yes; when you accept to be bridesmaid you are expected to pay for your own gown. Once upon a time, the bride used to pay, but that is no longer the norm. However, bear in mind that this differs depending on what part of the world you are from. For example, in the USA and Australia the bride doesn’t pay, but in the UK most brides provide and pay for all the gowns.

When you start shopping around for gowns, it is a good idea to have a casual discussion about how much you can afford to spend on a dress. It’s not fair for the bride to pick out a lavish dress that will cost three weeks worth of pay if you cannot afford it. On the other hand, you should be realistic in your budget and set aside enough money for a nice dress that the bride would like.

You will find that if a bride has her heart set on bridesmaid gown that is over your limit, she will likely offer to pay the difference.

How to handle family who are trying to take over your wedding

When you are planning a wedding you will find that you will be swamped with unsolicited, yet well-intentioned advice. Parents, grandparents, co-workers, friends and former brides may very well offer you suggestions on how you should plan your day.

Be polite and acknowledge their suggestion. After all, they are probably excited about your wedding and are looking at a way to help out and be involved. Just tell them casually something along the lines of, ‘Thanks for the suggestion, we’ll keep it in mind.’

High Chairs at Weddings – Who Is Responsible?

I have been to a wedding before where a guest had a little temper tantrum because a high chair was not provided for her son. She was outraged by this and caused a bit of a scene. Fortunately, a quick thinking maid-of-honour spoke to the venue manager and they were able to source one from their adjoining restaurant.

The above scenario does make you think. Whose responsibility was it to source the high chairs that may be needed for the guest’s children? Generally speaking, the correct etiquette is for wedding guests to be held responsible for their own children’s needs themselves, as this does not fall into the responsibility of the bride or groom. However, as a courtesy you could offcourse ask the venue if they have any highchairs on offer and pass this information onto your guests.

Although not necessary, if there will be many children at your wedding, you could add something on your invitation along the lines of, “Unfortunately our reception venue does not supply high chair, however you are most welcome to bring your own high chair or pram”

Do I have to ask my fiance’s sister to be my bridesmaid?

An interesting and common wedding question was put to me the other day. A bride-to-be was planning her reception and wanted to know if it was obligatory to include her fiancés sister in the bridal party. She was hesitant to do so. It was not that she didn’t like her future sister-in-law, they got along very well, it was merely a matter of numbers. She had a close group of friends, two sisters and a cousin that she was close to, and all these women expected to be part of the bridal party.
There is no obligatory rule that states that you must include your future sister in-law in your bridal party. Having said that, family politics will always play a part in weddings, and after your wedding day, your fiancés sister is going to be your sister too, so if numbers allow, it would be a nice gesture. Where possible, including siblings in the bridal party is a good idea.

Howvere, this is not always a feasible idea. You may already have had a group of women picked out to be your bridal party that consist of close friends and siblings and your future husband might have a lot of sisters too! If being part of the bridal party is out, consider things like having her do a reading at the ceremony or walking down the aisle with perhaps your own brother if he is not one of the groomsmen. The idea is to put importance on her as being a valued family member. It’s a nice idea if the immediate family on both sides (and grandparents) wear a corsage unified in colour.

At the end of the day it is your wedding and ultimately the only person you need to please is yourself and your husband. However, your wedding is also a emerging of two families, so getting off on the right foot is always a good idea.

Can I invite guests just to my bridal shower and not the wedding?

Discussing wedding planning today with a newly engaged woman, she asked me if It would be considered rude to invite her co-workers to her bridal shower, but not to the actual wedding. Her justification was that she didn’t consider herself close enough to her co-workers to merit an invitation, however she felt obliged somehow that she needed them to still have a small part in the wedding.

Her intentions may have been good, but her co-workers will read into this that they are not good enough for the wedding and are only good enough for a bridal shower that will require them to bring gifts. Needless to say this will create work tension later on. It is considered bad form to invite guests to a bridal party and NOT the wedding and doing this will undoubtedly cause tension.

If you are adamant on having people at your bridal shower and not your wedding ensure that you are tactful. You can state on the invitation that the wedding is very small and limited to just family, however a bridal shower will give you the opportunity to celebrate with friends.

Some may debate that it is your wedding and you can do what you like, and sure there is truth in this, however some brides use this as an excuse to quite simply practise poor manners. You don’t have to invite all your family, friends and co-workers to your wedding, but you must be tactful and fair.

In the case of this newly engaged woman that inspired this post, she has decided to hold a small pre-wedding brunch with her co-workers and some casual friends and limit the wedding to just family and close childhood friends. She will explain to them that coming from a large family the guest list will be taken up by obligatory invitations of aunts, uncles and cousins (about 45 just on her side) and this brunch will be an opportunity for her to celebrate with her co-workers.

Should you have a wishing well at your wedding?

A wedding wishing well is a becoming a more popular options amongst couples. The logic being, that many couples are already living together and already have everything that they need, so gifts of money would be of better use for the couple. It’s still a topic that can provoke great debates and heated discussions. Some people feel that it is just plain rude to assume that you were going to receive a gift, so asking for money is just wrong. Others argue that it is common practice these days, and besides it would be wrong for a guest ‘not’ to bring a gift.

Personally, out of all the wedding invites I have received in the past 5 years, I think that only one of them didn’t include a note informing guests of their wishing well. I still have mixed views on the subject. I would much rather know that I was giving the bride and groom a gift that they would use (and not regift!) and would prefer to give cash, but sometimes a way that a couple can convey their wish for money in lieu of gifts can sound a tad rude and presumptuous.
Some people prefer spreading the word about the couple’s preference of a wishing well via the bridal party. The problem with this is that the bridal party may not know everyone on the guest list. Another way to get the word out is through your wedding website (if you have one).

If you do decide to include information about your wishing well in your invitation, choose your words very carefully. One of my favourites I have received is

Because at first we lived in sin
We’ve got the sheets and a rubbish bin
A gift from you would be swell
But we’d prefer a donation to our Wishing Well!!

Cultural Weddings

If you are marrying into a family that has strong cultural beliefs, it’s a good idea to do a little research to avoid any potential embarrassing moments later on. For example, if you’re soon to be in-laws are Asian, they may not want you to marry on a date that has ‘4’ in it, as this is thought to be the number of death.

You should have a talk with your partner to find out if their family have any strong beliefs that they would like you to honour. Of course, it is your wedding and the ultimate decision is yours, but honouring certain traditions, is an ideal to start a great relationship with your in-laws.

Wedding Thank-You cards

When writing thank-you notes, it’s a good idea to avoid the generic notes and personalise each thank-you card. After all your guests have probably been to a ton of weddings and have received the same generic ‘Thank-you for your lovely gift’ phrase time and time again. The tone of the thank-you note and level of formality differs depending on the relationship to the guest.

Family and close friends

If your Aunt Betty came all the way from interstate and gave you a fancy dinner set as a gift you could write something like

Dear Aunt Betty,
Thank-you so much for the gorgeous dinner set you gave us. It’s the perfect addition for our new home and something we will use for years to come. We are also touched that you came all the way from Perth to share our special day; it really meant alot to us to have you there.
I look forward to telling you all about the honeymoon and married life.
With love
Sarah and Jake

Acquaintance/co-worker

Dear Tim,
Sarah and I would like to thank-you for joining us on our special day, it was great to have you there and to finally meet Lydia. The dinner set was greatly appreciated and is perfect addition for our new home.
Sincerely
Sarah and Jake

Some couples find it difficult when it comes to thanking people for monetary gifts. It needn’t be
Dear Aunty Betty,
Thank-you so much for your generous wedding gift. We are putting it towards a new lounge suite. We are also very touched that you came all the way from Perth to share our special day, it meant a lot to us.
I look forward to telling you all about the honeymoon and married life.
With love
Sarah and Jake

The Announcement

“We’re getting married!” It’s only natural to want to shout it out to everyone you have ever met, but take a minute to stop and think how your close family and friends will feel if they are not the first to find out.

You need to discuss with your partner how you will announce the news. Will you each tell your own parents individually, or will you have an informal dinner announcing the news together? If you tell your parents separately, try to make sure that there is not too much of a time lapse before telling both sets of parents, so that neither set feel like they are the last to know.

Whilst it is still not a strict tradition, many families still post a formal wedding announcing in the newspaper, this is done by the bride’s parents. However, it is more common for the bride and groom themselves to post an informal announcement on a social networking site.

Another option is to announce the upcoming nuptials at a family gathering or dinner. This way everyone finds out at once, and no feelings are hurt.

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